Friday, December 08, 2006

Two Magic Words

Ladies, may I offer you some gentle words of advice tonight? (In lieu of the wild-eyed rant that my lesser lizard brain wants to write.) Some kindly-intentioned advice on how two little words can either drive your man to you or drive him insane?

First, an example of two words to lose from your vocabulary:

Me: "Hi honey, I'm home."

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't get any cleaning done today because I had a lot to do with all of the errands and going to work and then one of the boys doctors called and we had to suddenly go in and get some tests done and I really did try to get some cleaning done and I really don't have any more time any more to get all of the things done......"

Me (in my mind): What the fuck? Did I say anything about the house? Do I care if there was any cleaning today? Can I just get my jacket off before the "I'm sorry" parade starts?

Okay, class. What are the two words to lose? Yes, you win. The words are "I'm sorry". There was nothing here to apologize for. I don't care if you didn't get any cleaning done. I appreciate that you are busy getting all of that done today, as I was busy doing my job today. We're both busy. I get it. Let me get my coat off and I'll jump in and start cleaning myself. But please, God, stop with the apologizing already.

It is my general experience that women, as a group universally, apologize way too much for things that either do not need apologizing for or are not your fault. I'm not sure what the nuerosis is that causes women generally to apologize for everything to everybody all the time, but I do know my reaction to it: Cut that shit out! It's not endearing, it's tiresome.

Here's a tip. Men aren't asking you to apologize. We don't care about whatever small fault you perceive that you have committed. We didn't even notice it in the first place.

Let's try that conversation again:

Me: Hi honey, I'm home.

Her: Hi baby. Come on in and take your coat off. Let's have a fun night together.

Me - smiling: "You got it."

Her: "And, can you help me with straightening the house tomorrow?"

Me: "Sure. Better yet, why don't I clean and you take some time to go see your sister?"

Okay, here's an example of two magic words to add to your vocabulary:

Me (sitting down to look through a package of family pictures of all of us, including you): "Hey babe, that's a nice picture of you."

Her (frowning): No, it's not. I don't like it. As a matter of fact I don't like any picture ever taken of me, ever."

Me (in my head): Well, pardon the fuck out of me for making the mistake of complimenting you. Note to self: don't ever make the mistake of complimenting her again, lest your misbegotten polite conversation plunge her into an unrecoverable tailspin of self-loathing.

Ladies, again some advice. Men like to compliment you. We like to tell you you're pretty, because you are. We do not share your deep seated negativity about all things you. We don't, trust me on this.

Once again, my overly broad generalization of broads is that you universally suck at accepting a compliment. If you don't believe me, try it. Sometime next week randomly compliment an adult female, especially about a picture that they're in. See if you don't get either an apology parade or some version of "I don't like any picture that I'm in". Try it.

My point: this constant self-deprecating photo avoidance is not endearing. It is especially, after three decades of trying, tiresome and annoying. Cut that out! If you insist on killing my joy of sharing these excellent photos with you by frowning your way through a vampiristic soul-killing exposition on why you look bad in every shot, I will eventually learn my lesson. Never take a photo of her again! Never share a photo with her again! In fact, why am I talking to her again when there is a perfectly good TV in the basement that won't suck the life out of me?

Let's try that conversation again:

Me: Hey babe, that's a nice picture of you.

Her: Thank you.

Me: smiling....

Two magic words both ways. Lose the "I'm sorry". Add the "thank you". And leave it at that. Please. And I guarantee you your man will be happier.

/pointless rant off.
posted by Semi-Celibate Man @ 7:44 PM | 0 comments


<< Home