Reader's Question #1: Why Semicelibate?

Inertia. That's the answer. What's the question?

I got a question in my comments recently: "Why, again, are you semicelibate?" I took a stab at that in an earlier post. But let me expand on it a bit. There are three main reasons:

1. Kid stress. A sex killer, for sure. 'nuff said.

2. We're different people, with different desires and needs, than when we married decades ago. We're not in sync - at all.

3. Here's a new thought: inertia. It's hard to re-start having sex after a long dry spell. It's hard to initiate it. It's hard to respond to it.

What's happened to me several times in the past now is this: I take a risk and initiate sex again. It's great - better than great - one or two times. Then two things happen:

- it opens the floodgates in her. She wants a lot, immediately, after such a long period of "neglect". She's all over me, and it's more than I can give all at once. I can't switch on all of the romance and desire after a long period of keeping my distance, and it disappoints her.

- I get guilted. We'll have great sex, probably where I tried something new from having read so many blogs. She'll say "Where did you learn that", and mean it. And press it. "You're not reading porn again, are you". Accusation. Guilt. Or, I'll bring out a sex toy and she'll feel guilty about it. Way guilty. And transfer that to me. Too much guilt - I don't want it. I'm not generally, as you can tell, prone to guilt. But, it can get put on me.

I can't admit the truth, that I enjoy porn and sex blogs, because we've already been down that path before many times. Zero tolerance. I'm supposed to abstinent in that area. It's ridiculous enough that if I walk into a room where she's watching a TV program and they say the word "sex", she'll immediately change the channel. Wouldn't want me to be "tempted"! I'm not making that up, it happened last week.

I have at least two choices: I can sublimate most of the sexual part of me and just be vanilla. Or, I can compartmentalize the sexual part of me into what's allowed (vanilla home life sex) and what's not (porn, blogs) and keep them separate. (The third choice - splitting up - is not going to happen). All of that is not conducive to me wanting to initiate sex.

But every now and then I get horny enough (and foolish enough?) and think about trying again. I think to myself "Hey, you are only semicelibate by choice. You can have sex. You're married. You have a partner. You could initiate sex and have it tonight. It's entirely up to you."

Easy to think. Hard to do. Inertia.

It's really hard to start back up again. On one hand, we're capable of great sex. On the other hand, I know I'm going to pay a price for it - in guilt.

A story, to illustrate:

I started thinking about it again last week. I'm horny. I want to have sex. I have a pretty wife. I love her. I really want to be with her. I want to risk it again.

I got in off the road Friday night after dinner. "Mind if I go out?" she asked me. I usually encourage her to get out of the house with a girlfriend (platonic!) once a week to get some time away from the kids. She needs it. I can watch the kids. "Sure, have fun". Dinner and a movie. She's putting on perfume on the way out of the door. "Perfume?" I ask. "Have you guys got dates?". Joking. I think. Ha ha.

So, I'm watching the kids and thinking. I can smell that perfume in the hallway. I like it. It always gets me horny. My mind starts working - "she's going to see a jock movie ("Invincible") and she'll come home worked up". I can use that to my advantage. And I start wanting. Desiring. I got the kids to bed. All quiet by 9:30. I start smiling and start preparing. I shave, careful to get all the stubble off my chin and upper lip. I shower, shaving again - a little farther south! A long shower. Lot's of soap all over. Finished off with some Axe body wash - "Essence" to smell nice for her. I climb into the sheets at about 10:00, waiting.

Unfortunately, by the time she got home near midnight the moment had passed. (My bad, I told her to go out and have fun.) She would have been receptive to advances, I'm sure. But by then I'd had time to think about it. To count the cost. And I wasn't up for it anymore. I just chatted for a few minutes and then rolled over and went to sleep.

Saturday was all about kid stress and arguing.

Friday at 10:00pm, clean and ready for action, seems a long time ago.

I'll try again, in a different way. I'll probably tell her in advance, so she can start thinking about it too. Probably. Hopefully. Who knows.

To answer the reader, that's why I'm semicelibate.

I'm open for advice here, my friends.