on Why I am Semi-Celibate

Warning: this post is graphic and may be disturbing. Sorry about that.

I had a conversation with a child psychologist once, in the context of a foster care situation. In the discussion about a child the question arose about the consequences of significant exposure to pornography to a young child. The doctor's opinion: that child would be "ruined for life".

I was. And I am.

Not ruined in the sense of being non-functional or a danger to society. Nor particularly in the sense of being terribly deviant. Deviant enough, though.

Ruined in the sense of being a good mate for Mrs. SCM, or perhaps to most.

I first met Mrs. SCM in elementary school. Yes indeed. Did she know when she met me that I was already sexually active? Not by my choice of course.

I'm not going to use the word molested, although that's accurate enough. I'm going to say that I was sexually experimented on by an older male relative - who was old enough to know better but was himself yet technically a minor. (A man, by the way that I forgave a long time ago and who has atoned many times over with his life and with service to others.)

Was it violent? No.

Was it abusive? No.

Has it traumatized me my whole life? No.

Did it affect the course of my whole life? Yes. How can it not, to be sexualized so early?

About once every 5 years this topic pops up and bites me in the butt again, as it did last week. I'm not traumatized by the sexual acting out. But it does bother me, mostly because I can't pin it all down.

How long did it occur? I don't know. I can guess based on memories of certain houses that we lived in, but I can't pin it down for sure. Somewhere between when I was 5 years old and 7th grade. For example, I remember a lot of oral activity. Not forced - traded for. "I'll do you for 3 times as long as you do me". That was 5th grade. All of 5th grade.

What all occurred? I don't know. I remember some things very specifically. I remember scenes. I remember tastes. I remember specific pieces of porn. I remember group activity with more than one person. Is that all? I don't know. An example: I remember a specific day when my parents were out of the house and I lubed up a wooden broom handle and inserted it up my ass while I masturbated. I remember it well, because the hand lotion that I used dried into the wood and it was very painful to remove. I was in sixth grade. How did I know to do that?

I knew Mrs. SCM in junior high. Did she know that her future mate had access to a stash of porn 200 magazines deep? Did she know that he got sexually aroused from crawling in between a queen size mattress and the box springs and feeling the weight of the mattress on him?

And so on, through high school and college.

And I chose as my mate, and sexual partner, and the only woman I ever dated Mrs. SCM - a wholesome Christian woman who I've loved for so long, but am in no way sexually compatible with.

I think I've come through it well. I'm relatively well adjusted and functional. But to be very very honest, I am not a good mate for my wife. She deserves a normal sex life with an unperverted Christian man, and I can't say that I'm that.

I am a sexual man. I have sexual desires. Are they deviant? I can't say, entirely. They do not seem to be deviant in the perspective of blog world. But they are deviant in the perspective of my marriage.

I've ceased to initiate sex, for the most part. Why? When we have sex, it opens it up in me and I want what I want and I cannot keep it in bounds, if that makes sense. I always, always take it to a step that makes her uncomfortable or disgusted.

Simple things, I'm talking about, like buying sex toys. I love to shop for them. I love to imagine us using them together. I eventually buy one and present it. And it joins the others, locked away never to see the light of day. And I feel guilty for having done it. Always.

Did we know at 17 as virgins and Christians that we were mismatched? I knew that she was wholesome. Did she know that I have fantasies that would shock her to the core? No.

And now we're mid-40's, with young kids, and semi-celibate.

And I have no idea in the world what to do about it.